I got into Circa Survive the fall after On Letting Go came out in 2007. I was driving home from my accounting job when the final line of “Living Together” hit me. As Anthony Green hypnotically repeated ”Would you trade your soul for gold?”, I wondered what I was doing with my life. I had been out of college just over a year and felt that I had totally lost my sense of self.
It’s four years later and things aren’t any better. Recently I took what I thought would be an unconventional advertising sales position. It was against my better judgement, but in my mind I had made myself believe I was providing a service to the community. That I wouldn’t have to sell, but simply facilitate people doing something they already wanted to do.
I like to think that I have enough will-power to commit to seeing things through. I feel like my problems aren’t all that bad and I might as well get on with it without complaining. But after eight days, I had had enough. The job was turning me into a person I hate. So I quit. I quit without having another job lined-up or any inkling of what I was going to do next.
It was a difficult decision to make. I was miserable both at work and on my free-time, but I didn’t want to be a failure. After being laid-off for two years I felt fortunate to have a job, but I didn’t want to effectively sell-off my personality and ideals.
In life-decisions I’ve always been logical. I have a degree in Business because I thought I’d be able to find a job after graduating, but there was never any desire behind it. Given my disposition, I fully expected to be stuck in a cubicle doing something I hate for the rest of my life. But now I feel like I have broken this cycle.
Now I have hope. I’m taking steps to make a drastic shift towards something I want to do. My rational-self is scared of the financial strain I’m putting on my family, and, as much as I’m fighting it, I’m worried about what people think of me- doubting my ability to provide. But what they don’t think of is my ability to provide happiness.
Sometimes you have to step out in faith.